Bread sticks

Tonight was a challenge. I try not to make my family HAVE to stick to only the things that I can eat. After all, food and over eating is not there struggle it is mine. Just as we make our peanut/treenut allergy son live in a non peanut/treenut free world so too, I, must live in a non bread stick free world.

This past month I've learned to say no a lot. No, to the cheesecake desert offered to me. No, to the dips and chips, no to the pizza and no to the tortillas. But this was my first encounter with the garlic, doughy, carb filled goodness that is a bread stick. 

I'd love to sit here and tell you that I conquered that battle. That I took one whiff and declared it wasn't worth it. But I can't. I ate 2 whole bread sticks and you know what?  I enjoyed them. I enjoyed them so much I really wanted to go back for 2 or 3 more. I LOVE BREAD! I seriously want to believe that God will have a room for me at his table and in front of me he will place a huge pile of the most delicious bread sticks I will have ever tasted. 

Yet, even though I allowed myself 2 bread sticks that were not in my doctor prescribed diet planned. I still felt like I had a victory tonight.  The Sara 31 days ago would have ate not just 2 bread sticks but possibly the entire 12 that come in an order. That Sara would have over stuffed herself till she went to bed feeling bloated and wanting to throw up. But the Sara today did not do that, infact, today's Sara counted her calories and even with the not on plan bread sticks was only a little over her calorie goal for the day. That is a victory in my book.

While I would love to be a person that could tackle this journey from MO in an instant I have come to find that I need to learn to live and function in a world where food will always be a temptation. It will always beckon to me to have 1 more taste, for it to try to fulfill 1 more place of emptiness. Since, I know it can not fulfill me in the ways that only the Lord can I am learning that I mustn't turn to food, but I am also learning that I can not let lies take hold of my thoughts in that process. Lies that tell me I'll NEVER eat a certain food again. Lies that say if I allow myself a bread stick or two that somehow I'll throw off my entire week of eating. Lies that tell me I can't stop at just 1 or 2 that I'll have to have 3 or 4 or more instead; because in the process of letting go one area of shame another shame will always be lined up to take it's place. I don't want to live in the lies of shame. I refuse to do so anymore.

So I ate my bread sticks while still choosing to make a decision that will still benefit both my present and future goals. I enjoyed those 2 bread sticks. I praised the Lord for their deliciousness and then I also prayed that I would be able to walk away satisfied with those two bread sticks and the Lord did just that. Now comes the challenge of having had tasted that goodness and letting it be...not lusting for more, not being envious for the extras my family got to have and that I did not. 

I suppose though this battle really is a moment by moment battle. A prayer by prayer type of fight. I'm thankful the Lord does not leave me alone in it all and walks with me.